FINDING ME

This morning instead of my usual morning routine that is wake up and work out guess what I did? I reached out for my laptop and started keying in. I keyed in writing my thoughts for the first time in forever. It has been ages since I penned down something and I sure was getting worried. My faithful followers haven’t asked me or probed me I guess they got tired of coming back and staring into oblivion. So as I sat on my bed my keyboard cranking away having written quite a bit, my windows office just stopped responding and shut down. Yes all that I had keyed in disappeared. All those thoughts and words were gone. I was disappointed but guess what the mojo was still there. I couldn’t wait to get to the nearest gadget and proceed before something happened.

If you are close to me I am sure you know how excited I was to be able to finally write something, something that makes sense to me in writing and in my head and to my readers too. It has been a while a roller coaster but am glad I am able to do this again.

In the last few days I have been able to do so much more than what I have been able to bring myself to do in the last year. I have been all talk and talk and it is about time I act. I am discovering myself everyday and I love what I am finding out. Self-awareness is the best thing to ever happen to anyone. To know yourself: your strengths, and weaknesses and working on them to improve yourself that is the best process ever. Knowing your abilities and capabilities is like signing a new lease of life. This gives you so much peace and lets you focus on the issues and give less and less time to the non-issues.

Everyday is your birthday. Celebrate. Start afresh everyday.

Spirituality comes in to play here. You need to be able to listen to yourself both in quiet and amid any storm, find your inner voice and the voice from the Man up there. Surround yourself with those who know aspects of you that you never know existed and see how you transform yourself. I am grateful for this wonderful man in my life because as I get to know I know myself too. I mean how much more would one ask for? Continuous improvement and learning are dear topics to my heart and no matter how young or old you are without these two you have ceased to exist. This is the year of maturity, more self-discovery and using my God given talents. No more slacking and everyday I will create a something.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT

I came across this one of these day while trawling other blogs. 

I like it. I like what the author wrote. It is so profound. I thought I should share it with all my friends. 

Enjoy the read and think about it.

If You Can Do These Things For Me, You Will Have Served Me Well
by Veronica Hay 

Don't feed me all the cliches today and the sugary sap.Give me honesty. Speak from your heart. That I can take.
Don't quote me from your latest self-help book and regurgitate the contents.Tell me how you really feel and what your soul is saying.
Don't fill my head with worn out words and platitudes.Fill my heart with meaning, substance, purpose, value.
Don't judge me by your standards or their measure.Just hold me and love me and make me feel better.
Don't tell me of things you've only read about.Speak to me of things you know in your gut, so I can know them too.
Don't offer me advice. I haven't asked you for it.Offer me a hand and a shoulder to cry on, when I need one.
Don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do.Show me what is possible, and let me find my way.
Don't regale me with your conquests and your victories.Speak to me of heartbreak and of joy, of sadness and of glory.
Don't deny me my emotions or rob me of my feelings.Allow me the space to let them surface and move on.
Don't hide your pain from me. Or your grief and sorrow.Tell me how it felt and how you made it through.
Don't try to fix me or change me or make me better.Show me where I'm already shining and point the light there.
If you can do these things for me, you will have served me well.

Copyright (c) 2010 by Veronica Hay

FEAR

Today the writing bug has bitten me. Let me write it before I experience yet another block.

That numbing feeling you get that cripples you when you think of doing something that is out of your niche or zone. Yes that terrible feeling that you would rather not feel, that is FEAR. Fear has a way of making you not achieve anything or experience anything. It has a way on conjuring emotions that you wish were left hidden and buried, it has a way of baring us naked and leaving one vulnerable beyond your wildest thoughts.

I have to admit I have been a victim of fear far too many times I have lost count. I have been a victim of fear right from childhood through to adulthood.  That moment when you thought you knew an answer but thought about the class reaction if it was wrong and voila the teacher says that was the answer. That moment as an adult you develop feelings for someone but fear disclosing it because you fear rejection and then when they move on you find out the feeling was mutual? How many opportunities have you lost because you want to think things through? I am not saying thinking critically is bad or weighing options is bad but this is when you create a vacuum and fear starts creeping in. It is at this point that you decide that familiarity is better to handle than unknown territories. And you chose to sit there waiting for things to change by themselves and yet fear crippled you to the extent of death. Death in your thoughts, imaginations, goals dreams?

Unfortunately fear creeps in unawares and it therefore takes conscious efforts to fight it and for this reasons today I chose to fight fear. I chose to face it, I chose to risk and learn from it. I believe in all aspects of life you can not lose it all because experience can and is the most rewarding teacher of all. I don’t want to live a life of what ifs I want to live a life of heck I have done that.

So next time you want to walk the well travelled path remember sometime walking in the woods is healthy you will meet the occasional bear and you will learn how to coexist with it if not to kill it.

Live everyday fearlessly, live as if it is your last day.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

I know its well in to the New Year but hey they say it is never too late. Happy New Year to you too. As the year began I promised myself albeit silently that I will pen something here every month even just once. Lets just say January is gone and I have not put even a single word down. To say am embarrassed is an understatement. But then again I did not write down the resolve so I can get away with it.

I like to write things down especially something I promise to do or to achieve that way I easily keep myself accountable. If you want to know procrastination come and have a look at my wardrobe *hangs head in shame. I have pushed organizing it to tomorrow let’s just say tomorrow has become a phrase like the one commonly used by Kenyan politicians to claim that the leaders of tomorrow are the youth.

My wardrobe however always serves as a lesson to me a constant reminder of how things can turn out to be if you keep postponing what is to be done now. First you can’t keep track of things secondly you become comfortable with the status quo. The abnormal becomes normal.

I like to believe a New Year, a new month or a new day is a chance to begin all over again. A chance to make amends, a chance to start a fresh on a clean slate. A chance to rewrite your story, to set new goals, and to rethink your ambitions. So here is to a chance to look at that list of goals and plans and rewrite them not because you can’t but because you can do better.

So here is a chance for me to go and organize that wardrobe.

HAPPY NEW YEAR folks, scratch that happy new month and oh happy new day. 

TEMPORARY INSANITY

Yes. Temporary insanity. I plead guilty some temporary insanity.

Over the last 3 or 4 weeks I was insane. I thank God though it was temporary. Some close friends tried to intervene but to no avail.

I was either waiting for that last straw or it was a culmination of events or I just snapped out of it. Maybe the Mathare escapees experienced the same too. Snapped out of it or the drug just wore off. It is funny how some realizations dawn on us. What is funnier is it takes one simple thing for you to notice all is not well.

For me the cookie literally crumbled. I know this is a saying but it is exactly what happened. The cookie crumbled and I was left with crumbs. It took an out of body experience to see what a puppet I had become and the puppeteer was merciless with his tact. Making me bend even beyond my own imagination, and yes, puppets too have minds of their own. At the end of it all I felt taken advantage of and taken for a ride.

All this time an inner voice whispered gal you can do better than this, what is this all about? My friends came with their voices of reason but hell no I did not heed to their advice. It took me to step out of myself and look at myself from outside, from a stranger’s point of view.  That is when it dawned me I should quit playing games, set standards have objectives and goals and get on with life on a serious note.

Sadly I have realized but in good time though that if you have no standards you will accept anything and I think that is the worst thing to ever happen to anyone. It was a much deserved break, a good distraction but now moving on swiftly lets get down to serious business. Project go through the ideal list is what I will spend the remainder of the month doing. Tweaking some things here and there while striking some off the list as with time our goals and objectives tend to change too.

Wish me luck. 

UNCOUTH BEHAVIOUR

So yesterday I went to see that someone special and it was quite a journey. I had to take three matatus to that place. I get in the matatu and take the seat behind the driver. As we zoom off the conductor starts collecting fare. He last collects fare for the passengers sitting next to the driver. The two passengers each turn to give the money personally to the conductor leaving my poor hand hanging there. I found that weird coz sometime back people would just pass their money to the conductor through someone else and wouldn't care to look. I shared this with a friend and I was given the reason behind it.

A friend told me that once in a mat on Thika road, someone boarded the mat and sat with the driver. This guy decides I don't have change so I will just hand the conductor 1000 then he will sort me out, si nimelipa fare. So when the conductor asks for money he passes it to the passenger seating behind him and didn't bother to check. A short distance later the passenger handed the money alights. The guy seated with the driver arrives at his destination and decides to alight, he then demands for his change. The conductor looks at him puzzled and tells him you gave me exact fare I don't have your change. It is a near fist fight until one of the passengers reveals what he thinks he saw. So the guy who was given the money to pass exchanged the note with a 50 bob note that the conductor had just given him as his change. Since he had landed a jackpot he alighted before getting to his destination and the rest his history. What remained between the conductor and passenger was a case of I did you did.

So lesson learnt don't be too trusting and don't make assumptions that everyone out there is honest.

Am trying to make a comeback here it has been a while since I penned down a word or two. Soon you shall see more as I decide to embark on a certain journey in my life. A journey to be a healthier, wiser person.

WRAPPED UP

While I have been away wrapped up in my own world being selfish, so much has happened around me. Somethings happened some least bothered while others shook me to the core.

I friend of mine was sick and I mean really really sick but am glad that now she is so so much better. That gal just used to make my day. Such a ball of energy so many things going for her. In my life I have come across ambitious people but she takes the cup. I have just realized I have surrounded myself with very many ambitious people. Is it a good thing you ask? Yes it is. They challenge me and that works for me. I love challenges and when I see them achieving what they put their hearts to it makes something in me tick. It makes me want to keep going. I am proud of this gals and dudes. Yes the ambitious ones the ones who decided a long time ago that satisfaction and comfort are their WORST enemies.

Sometimes I can be selfish sometimes I feel like I let people walk all over me. I felt a lot of this mixed feelings quite often recently. I feel lost. I need to find myself again. To find those little things that made me me. Those things that make me tick. I don't derive joy or happiness from other people or things, these things should come from within. So while I am busy trying to get all this figured out another bombshell is dropped.

Another friend is sick. Diagnosed with ovarian cancer stage 4. Yes stage 4. Here I am trying to find myself my worth and values oblivious of what is going on around and a close person is going through so so much. I feel sad that at such a young age cancer can sneak up to you. I wish I can do something for her. She did a lot for me. She may not know but she did. She encouraged and challenged both at the same time. I pray that she get better and she manages to raise the funds she needs for her treatment because she is a beacon for so many people she has interacted with. The least I can do is to hope that she reads this and knows she touched someones life some where beyond what she thinks.

For a minute I will take a step back and leave my cocoon where I have been all wrapped up and appreciate what is happening around me and just say thank you God for the little because sometimes I don't think I deserve them.